Attendees: FB, JO, IE
Read: Monologue to Camera (JO short); July 28, 1945 (IE short story); Across the River (JO short)
Gray's speech in Monologue to Camera describes his voluntary move to the basement of his home, with his wife and children, to avoid an apparent blight on the earth above ground. During the self-imposed incarceration, his family members have passed, and Gray is left along with some spirits and some carrots to reflect on his choice. Gray's voice is already coming along well, and has verbal ticks and stylings that made us smile. We both (IE & FB) thought it could go even further; there are some quasi-anachronistic phrasings that need to be dropped, and his tone could be polished even more. We also felt removing references to the topside might further strengthen this bleak inner world we are presented with, while the piece itself could even be restructured, so that the announcement of the deaths are postponed to the denouement rather than revealed immediately. Thus the tension between what's apparent and what's aboveground would be heightened.
The beauty of the structuring and the prose in July 28, 1945, is immediately apparent, so both JO and FB found it difficult to offer constructive criticism without having to add the proviso that nothing should really go. However, the discussion circled around how effective the structuring, a sort-of unwrapping process that moves from the unspecific and broad scale view down to the personal. Meanwhile, the characters of Jackson Pembury and Joshua, the two character-specific narrative voices we are treated to, both had options for development. For Jackson, a man of action, there was the option to remove much of his internal monologue and replace it with silence and physicality. This would provide a greater contrast with the dreamer Joshua, through whose eyes we are brought closer to the central action of the story.
Across the river remains a powerful piece: Frank and Richter meet in a nearly ruined house as Richter tries to persuade Hans Frank, governor of Nazi-occupied Poland, to flee before he is killed by the Gestapo or the Red Army. Frank has found God; he refuses to leave. There are obviously so many intense emotions at stake here, and it's impressive that JO has managed to weave these together while avoiding the obvious military cliches that could blight a piece like this. We all agreed that the performances of the two men would also make or break the script. IE suggested a further militarisation of the character of Richter as a way to give greater contrast between his spouting of Nazi maxims, and his hurt at the death of Frank's wife. It's fantastic to see how far the piece has come along between drafts. I hope to see a further draft anon.
Over and out.
